The End. Or the Beginning? Writing Your Own Obituary

When I was eleven, I wrote my own obituary.

Don't worry.  I wasn't some sort of Adams Family dark child. Nor did I suffer from any type of incurable disease, although I have been told by amateur palm readers that my lifeline is short. (Anybody want to see?)

Composing my obit was an assignment given by my sixth grade English teacher. Somehow, I don't think this would go over well in the current mood of hyper political correctness, but thirty years ago, having middle school kids take a pen to paper to consider their own deaths went blissfully under the radar.

The truth is, the exercise wasn't about death at all.

It was actually a lesson in self-reflection. One that I am still hugely grateful for.

Here's the thing. When you consider your own ending, you're actually thinking about your life, legacy and what you're leaving behind. At the core of this slightly unconventional activity, was the concept of conscious thought, as well as taking ownership of your existence so you can live the life that you want, not the one someone else has in mind. Now granted, I didn't pick all of this up as a pre-teen. But the seed was planted.

A bit dark? Maybe. But, the purpose of the exercise greatly outweighed, any shades of accompanying morbidness, especially in this world where so many people just move aimlessly through.

This long ago assignment crawled out of the depths of my memory bank, in response to the obituary of Robert Spiegel. http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/hartfordcourant/obituary.aspx?n=robert-spiegel&pid=154840762&fhid=4309

Since his death on November 30th, the obit of the professor Emeritus at Central Connecticut State University, has gone viral, well, because of bits like this:  'At the end of his life, Robert battled with cardiac disease and dementia. Where as the disease did thankfully erase most memories of the '62 Mets season, it eventually also claimed his life.'

Eh. I'm unimpressed.

Not because of Professor Spiegel's life, which seemed to be an amazing one that was well spent. And certainly not because of the wordsmithing of his son Jeff, who created a humorous tribute to his dad, that clearly captured his spirit. I am underwhelmed because of the fact that obituaries like this should be commonplace, instead of exception.

But they're not. Instead, most are collections of frighteningly similar facts and mundane details. And I wonder, why? Does all the blame go to obit writers, for creating a standard template in the name of efficiency?  Or does it speak to the much larger and more serious issue of a population simply sleepwalking through the human experience? You're really the only one that can answer that. And perhaps writing your own obituary is the best way to take stock.

I honestly don't remember what I wrote about my passing, as an eleven year old. I'm mildly curious about the life that my younger self thought may have unfolded. But I highly doubt that my limited experience would have ever dared to dream the life that I'm living now. Yet, all that really doesn't matter. I know that I'm the one with the final word.

In Defense of Writing

I'm not an expert at fixing brakes or extracting wisdom teeth. I don't know how to till the fields, code a website or land a plane  You probably wouldn't want me to defend you in a court of law. (However, if you needed a kick-ass letter of support, then I'm your girl.)

I do however know how to write. Writing is my profession. I am a professional writer.

Capisce?

And, like the aforementioned occupations, my career is one that's required quite a bit of training, both formally and on-the-job, to get me to my present level. So what exactly is it, about my chosen livelihood, that not only makes folks think that they can do my job, but that they can do it better than me?

Part of the problem is that technically, everyone can write. There's no great mystery in taking pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. There's no licensing process, no test to take, no governing board to fine you if you aren't doing your job properly. And often with this, comes a complete lack of respect for what we, as writers do.

Oh, not from other writers. Writers love writers. They appreciate the effort it takes to compose a thought. To get out a message. To obsess, over for just the exact word, phrase or sentence needed to bring the whole piece together.

Writers know that writing takes discipline. And concentration. Writing takes intelligence. And commitment. Writing takes research. And patience. Writing takes the ability to be analytical. And to be critical. Writing takes self-editing. And the courage to toss it all in the trash and start again. Writing takes the ability to steel yourself from your critics, especially the ones without any credentials.

The act of stringing words together, does not a writer make. Good writing needs to have meaning. A writer, above all, is an expert communicator, responsible for relaying information, breaking down complex topics into easy to understand tidbits or creating a mood, all while motivating you to keep on reading. The only tools at our disposal? Words.

Good writing should look easy.

A good writer will tell you that it never is.





I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE AND TRUST

For the past few months, I've been receiving an assortment of colorful e-mails in my freelance in-box. Okay, some would say scams. But, because they're inappropriately sandwiched between the very straight forward details of local events, I find them, for the most part, highly amusing.

Of course, as a writer, I am also slightly disturbed by the editorial quality, content and complete lack of attention to detail. So, as a service to, you, Mrs. Melina Mohammed (great name BTW), I took a virtual pen to your copy. You're welcome.


I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE AND TRUST
 
[All caps? Really? And this is your idea of a title that I'm going to respond to? Weak. Better? LET ME RUB YOUR FEET AT MY BEACHFRONT VILLA]

FROM THE DESK OF MRS.MELINA MOHAMMED
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A)
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO


[What's the street address for this joint? Trust. I don't know that 348 Main Street is really a Kentucky Fried Chicken. And if a corporate bank makes you use a google account--mrsmelinamohammed1@gmail.com--I wouldn't have taken that job in the first place.]

DEAR FRIEND,

[HA! If we're such good pals, I think you'd know my name. At least first. That is, after all, in my e-mail address. My city's there too, if you were observant. Pardon me, but isn't being a good con artist about paying attention to details?]

(CONFIDENTIAL TRUST BUSINESS DEAL.)

[Because mockery of your intelligence doesn't have the same cache.]

I KNEW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE; [No shit.] I AM THE AUDITING MANAGER IN BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO, WEST AFRICA . I HOPE THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO IMPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR FAMILIES. [Way, way too late for that…]

I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF (USD$22.5 MILLION DOLLARS)TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 10 BANKING WORKING DAYS. THIS MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR YEARS IN OUR BANK WITHOUT ANY BODY CLAIMING THE FUND.

[22.5 million dollars?! This is the magic figure you think will call the masses into action? Maybe $250. Or $2500. But this number is way over the top. Do people actually fall for this? Don't answer.]

I WANT THE BANK TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER, WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY ON SATURDAY, 6th DECEMBER, 2003 IN A PLANE CRASH.

[So even if I had relatives in West Africa, which I clearly don't, and even if they died in a plane crash in 2003, which they clearly didn't, perhaps a piece of authentication would serve well here. Like a name? Type of plane they went down in? This is exactly where your scamming empire could benefit from a creative writer on staff.]

I DON'T WANT THE MONEY TO GO INTO OUR BANK TREASURY ACCOUNT AS AN ABANDONED FUND,SO THIS IS THE REASON WHY I CONTACTED YOU SO THAT THE BANK CAN RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED. PLEASE I WILL LIKE YOU TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL AS A TOP SECRET AND DELETE IT IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED.

[But what fun would that be? Don't worry. I'm sure no one else is reading this.]

UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL GIVE YOU FULL DETAILS ON HOW THE BUSINESS WILL BE EXECUTED AND ALSO NOTE THAT YOU WILL HAVE 30% OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED SUM IF YOU AGREE TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME, AND 60% OF THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE FOR ME THEREAFTER,AND 10% WILL BE SET ASIDE FOR ANY EXPENSES THAT ARISE ON THE PROCESS BEFORE THE FUND GET INTO YOUR ACCOUNT SUCH AS TELEPHONE CALL BILLS(ETC).

[So, I get 6.75 million. You get 13.5 million? And that's gonna make me think you're an honest human being? I mean, this is a scam right? None of what you're promising is going to come true in the real world to begin with, so why don't we split it 50-50 on paper. It's not like you're going to make good on your word anyway.]  

I LOOK FORWARD EXPECTING TO HEAR FROM YOU.

[I can't respond based on your bad, bad English alone.]

1. YOUR FULL NAME:
2. ADDRESS:
3. NATIONALITY:
4. AGE:
5. SEX:
6. OCCUPATION:
7. MARITAL STATUS:
8. PHONE NO:
FAX:


[Wait a minute...that's all you want? What about my Social Security number? Bank account info? Oh, I guess requesting that falls into universal scam tip-off. Right. My bad.]

N.B PLEASE I BEG YOU WITH THE NAME OF ALLAH, IF YOU CANNOT FINISH THIS BUSINESS DO NOT CARE TO REPLY, I DON'T WANT THIS MONEY TO HANG ON THE WAY.

[N.B.? That I had to look up. It's Latin for Nota Bene aka Note Well. Hey, I guess I did learn something from our correspondence.  Here in the good 'ole US of A, we opt for PS. And really? You had to go invoke the name of Allah? Not cool.]

BEST REGARDS
MRS.MELINA MOHAMMED


[PS Mrs. Melinda Mohammed. Do reach out if you need any help on future projects. I'LL QUOTE YOU A FAIR RATE HANDSOMELY.]